Do I dare to use the word?

Do I dare to use the word? No really? As I slowly form the pieces of myself together, where does that go? Over here, I can’t quite remember. I remember you told me that I was selfish to want to make love how I like it. I had to do what you liked, I had to enjoy it, if I didn’t I didn’t accept you. If I didn’t accept you, I didn’t love you. I was the cruel one. I was torturing you, I remember trying to convince myself that I must be doing something ¬†wrong, it must be me, if I do it differently, try a different way, look at myself, dissect myself, then it will be ok. Pull my self to pieces, understand, explore, contain, control, submit, compromise if I can be what you need me to be……everything will be ok. Everything will be ok, you will love me, we will be happy, our girl will be happy and get what she needs. It is me that is making things bad. I remember the quiet dark spaces filled with the thickness of our pain, of our separation as we lay in separate rooms. I remember how still I would be and hold my breath so you would think i was already asleep. Do I dare to use the word?

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